Ya betta not shout, ya betta not cry...
I'm in Melbourne for two weeks working as the designer on a little gig for a friend. Of course I'm not getting paid! This gig's important for me as the artistic director of the Australian Ballet has been invited to the opening night. Also the principal choreographer of said company. Both have been told to look out for me by a friend and mentor who works in my field.
After a few thrills in the earlier stages, things are going smoothly and strangely I now seem to have very little to do just at the moment. That leaves time on my hands.... something I'm not good at filling productively lately.
You see, I've become obsessed about not being in a relationship.
It's something that crept up on me slowly over the years. I mean, I've always wanted to find someone, but it wasn't something that dominated my every waking moment. I'd only really feel the lack of companionship after a flingette failed. And as I've never made it to the paper anniversary with any of my relationships, I refer to them all as flings or flingettes depending on the duration. (Oh by the way, in gay years, the paper anniversary is at three months of successful dating!)
This obsession became amplified in the last year due to a series of unfortunate events - the death of my mum and falling in love with a confused bisexual frenchman! Both events deserve a post or several each or possibly a blog on their own, so I won't go into that now. Anyway, I dread having nothing to do because I find myself returning with monotonous regularity to the same issue. It's like emotional roadkill, I have to keep on going back to see if it's as messy as I remember.
And it's really starting to piss me off! I want to enjoy this time in Melbourne for a whole stack of reasons - least of all being that this is possibly the biggest break in my career so far, but also because I'm staying with two of my closest and dearest friends in the world. D & C. A beautiful couple, very much in love with each other. With a mutually supportive and respectful relationship. A committed and monogamous gay relationship.
Hmm. When planning this trip, somehow for a little while, I managed to forget the obsession. Great! Some progress at last! Those sessions with my therapist must be starting to pay off! And things were fine for the first day or so.
Until Sunday, bloody, Sunday.
The day of the Yuletide Shop-til-you-drop D & C extravaganza! Platinum Amexes whizzing like shuriken through eftpos terminal after eftpos terminal. Theirs - I've only a humble, ordinary mastercard which does very little whizzing and when it does my friend V scolds me soundly. I was being towed along in their festive wake.
I mean it was fun at first. But then, that mean little grinch that stole all my Christmasses at once, started whispering in my ear. "You'll never have this!" and "See how happy they are together" And the word together reverberates, a mocking little soundbite, over and over again.
It was their cosy domesticity that did me in. Watching the antics of which tree? The Canadian Fir or the Cantebury? My cranky boots getting ever larger and heavier, I helpfully suggest - that one over there! That really ugly silver tinsel number with the built in lights flashing at a speed garuanteed to give a non-epileptic convulsions. "No", they reply cheerfully, unware of the petulant child they're now babysitting, "the Canadian Fir!"
Not even the nativity scenes with fantasia light haloes could cheer me up. I could feel my bottom lip pouting lower and larger by the second. Surely, it's big enough now to shelter a family of refugees from a downpour!
With the Canadian Fir now safely in the boot of the car, we were off on the next leg of the unholy trinity tour. It was all that coupleness, the looks, the little jokes that only they could understand, the verbal shorthand and emotional hyperlinks in their pull down menues - that's what I want want for Christmas! And like a little helpful reminder, every store we entered ended up playing the same fucking lame Christmas song singing "All I want for Christmas is you!" I kid you not - every store!
I'm happy for all my family and friends who are in great relationships and feel myself lucky to be surrounded by so many examples of what a good relationship is like and I've seen so many unhappy couples to know that a good relationship is true platinum. I also know I'm very loved by the people in my life. So perhaps I should be content with that.
Maybe all I should want for Christmas this year is a can of grinch repellant!
After a few thrills in the earlier stages, things are going smoothly and strangely I now seem to have very little to do just at the moment. That leaves time on my hands.... something I'm not good at filling productively lately.
You see, I've become obsessed about not being in a relationship.
It's something that crept up on me slowly over the years. I mean, I've always wanted to find someone, but it wasn't something that dominated my every waking moment. I'd only really feel the lack of companionship after a flingette failed. And as I've never made it to the paper anniversary with any of my relationships, I refer to them all as flings or flingettes depending on the duration. (Oh by the way, in gay years, the paper anniversary is at three months of successful dating!)
This obsession became amplified in the last year due to a series of unfortunate events - the death of my mum and falling in love with a confused bisexual frenchman! Both events deserve a post or several each or possibly a blog on their own, so I won't go into that now. Anyway, I dread having nothing to do because I find myself returning with monotonous regularity to the same issue. It's like emotional roadkill, I have to keep on going back to see if it's as messy as I remember.
And it's really starting to piss me off! I want to enjoy this time in Melbourne for a whole stack of reasons - least of all being that this is possibly the biggest break in my career so far, but also because I'm staying with two of my closest and dearest friends in the world. D & C. A beautiful couple, very much in love with each other. With a mutually supportive and respectful relationship. A committed and monogamous gay relationship.
Hmm. When planning this trip, somehow for a little while, I managed to forget the obsession. Great! Some progress at last! Those sessions with my therapist must be starting to pay off! And things were fine for the first day or so.
Until Sunday, bloody, Sunday.
The day of the Yuletide Shop-til-you-drop D & C extravaganza! Platinum Amexes whizzing like shuriken through eftpos terminal after eftpos terminal. Theirs - I've only a humble, ordinary mastercard which does very little whizzing and when it does my friend V scolds me soundly. I was being towed along in their festive wake.
I mean it was fun at first. But then, that mean little grinch that stole all my Christmasses at once, started whispering in my ear. "You'll never have this!" and "See how happy they are together" And the word together reverberates, a mocking little soundbite, over and over again.
It was their cosy domesticity that did me in. Watching the antics of which tree? The Canadian Fir or the Cantebury? My cranky boots getting ever larger and heavier, I helpfully suggest - that one over there! That really ugly silver tinsel number with the built in lights flashing at a speed garuanteed to give a non-epileptic convulsions. "No", they reply cheerfully, unware of the petulant child they're now babysitting, "the Canadian Fir!"
Not even the nativity scenes with fantasia light haloes could cheer me up. I could feel my bottom lip pouting lower and larger by the second. Surely, it's big enough now to shelter a family of refugees from a downpour!
With the Canadian Fir now safely in the boot of the car, we were off on the next leg of the unholy trinity tour. It was all that coupleness, the looks, the little jokes that only they could understand, the verbal shorthand and emotional hyperlinks in their pull down menues - that's what I want want for Christmas! And like a little helpful reminder, every store we entered ended up playing the same fucking lame Christmas song singing "All I want for Christmas is you!" I kid you not - every store!
I'm happy for all my family and friends who are in great relationships and feel myself lucky to be surrounded by so many examples of what a good relationship is like and I've seen so many unhappy couples to know that a good relationship is true platinum. I also know I'm very loved by the people in my life. So perhaps I should be content with that.
Maybe all I should want for Christmas this year is a can of grinch repellant!
posted by Van Dino at 9:32 am
2 Comments:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Oh VanD, I am sending you hugs from Rainy City. That is very hard and I feel for you. frankenmum makes a great suggestion, get away on your own for a bit maybe. A little time out from all the lovey-dovey. And the job (even unpaid) sounds like a great opportunity. Sometimes success is better than sex.
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