f*cked

"I've fucked you!"

This was the charming introduction I received from a guy in the loos at the Tilbury Hotel last Sunday. There was no preamble to this declaration, it was literally the first thing to come out of his mouth.

I wish I'd taken the time, as one of my brother's did, to train myself to raise one eyebrow. An elegant, silent, somewhat ambiguous rebuttal. He was vaguely familiar, but as I have a rather good memory for faces and I suppose, boringly, have never done the drunken or drug fucked fandango, I can definitely say who I have or have not been fucked by.

I replied, archly, "Oh, have you?"

He smirked, "Yeah, I've had my full length up your arse." So apparently he's well equipped.

"No, I don't think so." I smirked back at him.

"I'd remember that arse anywhere."

Considering we were facing each other for this tete a tete, I was amused at his assertion.

"You probably don't recognise me. I've had work done since I fucked you."

I was looking for the hidden cameras, because this situation had rapidly spiralled out of control and I was sure I was now cast in an episode of the z grade cable tv drama "Whoa dude, I'm having an LA moment!"

It turns out, that yes, I have actually met this person, initially in Melbourne, six years ago at the Xchange and we'd subsequently met again in Sydney a few years after that. No fucking involved at any time. (Phew!) Scarily, though, this guy knows one of my Uncles through ballroom dancing.

Talk about six degrees!

And this encounter reminded me of the shouted 'greyhound' pickup line at the Mardi Gras dance party a few weeks ago.

Being subtle must be one traits not carried with the gay gene. Or maybe it's just guys.

I mean, if you're a gay man and you meet another gay man, and you both know or work out the mutual gay thing, chances are, if he likes you, he'll whip out his dick and wave it at you and request a close and personal, preferable, hands on inspection. All pretty much done without a word being exchanged. This is how gay men say hello to each other. And it's universal. No race, age, language or culture seems to exclude it.

But I wonder, if straight women let straight guys get away with it, is this how most straight guys would greet women? Sorry to come over all Carrie on you, but it's just a thought.

See, another thing about gay men is that they can been tactlessly honest in their directness in stating what they want. There's a lot a talk about racism, ageism and lookism in the gay community based on gay men's internet profiles. Guys stating, no fems, fatties, asians etc. Delineating the ages, races, cock sizes of the men they will and won't have sex with. Although it's hurtful if you are in an excluded category, I think in most cases it's a lack of ability to communicate with care, rather than say, overt racism, which is displayed in these profiles. It''s fuck first and ask questions later.

And this is where I've realised I've been a Pollyanna in wanting the Prince on the white horse. It's not so much that gay men won't, for the most part, take time and care in getting to know someone, it's recognising and accepting that this is how guys in general go about things. Sex is the foot in the door, anything else comes after.

When I first came out, I thought that the fuck first policy was just great. And I used it to my advantage. I've been on little ride, perhaps on that white horse, since then, and become a disapproving matron. Perhaps it's time to climb down, fuck first, ask questions later and see what happens.

With someone new, for the first time, I always insist the lights are on. It's a saftey thing. But it also means I never get caught in the loos with my pants down!



Oh and a post scriptum. I'm not moving to Oslo anytime soon. Mr Norway was fun for few days and then decided he didn't want anything too serious on his holiday. Which I guess is a backhanded compliment saying he really liked me.