Fast Love
"I want you to make a list of goals so we can formulate a strategy to maximise the chances of you meeting someone."
This is a direct quote from my therapist, and it's my homework for our next session.
Ostensibly, I'm in therapy for grief counselling, but we seemed to have skipped over that fairly quickly and are now dealing with 'residue'. Read Relationship issues.
I like my therapist because she's a no nonsense sort of gal. She dresses simply and impeccable and even wears sensible shoes (I checked - can't help it I'm a clothes freak.) Direct statements like "You think wrong!" pepper her calmly delivered observations and advice. She explains things clearly, precisely and without the use of little diagrams. She's compassionate without being gushy. I can't stand therapists who want to sympathise -"Oh that must of been hard for you!" That might sound strange, but I'm not there to have my hand held, that's what friends are for (as well as the occassional kick in the arse) - I'm there to work , so my friends don't have to hold my hand nearly as much as I have needed recently.
She's a neuropsych/ cognitive behaviourialist type of gal. Which means a lot of techinical explanations about how your brain works and responds in certain situations. That sort of works with me, as it gives me a level of detachment to look at what's been happening in my life and how I've reacted to it. I've realise for someone who's preceived pretty much as being the sensitive, in touch with his feminine side sort of guy, this is a very masculine, task oriented way of approaching therapy. It seems that the boy who was always being ragged at school for being girly is really a bloke after all!
This approach sort of works. Up to a point.
It's been explained to me that because of the neglect I experienced in the first two years of life (Dad literally Town Drunk, Mum depressed and suicidal) my brain is now 'formatted' to respond emotionally to close relationships in a totally over the top, full on, flat out grap for love, kind of way. It appears I'm hardwired to be desperate. The analogy was if you starve someone of food, they crave it and will grab for it when it's offered.
I was quite calm as this explaination unfolded, taking in the details of post natal brain formation, limbic systems and bonding hormones with polite attention. Inside, my world was plummeting, whooshing down into that little dark space I've mapped so well in recent years. You see the explanation continued, this is not something I can change, it's just the way my brain works. So we need to understand how to deal with this.
It's called an attachment disorder and effects you in three major ways.
Our relationship templates are modeled on our parents. People are subconsciously attracted to other people who most likely resemble their parents. Mostly, but not always. Great. I'm mostly likely to find fucked up people (read Frenchie) to be my dream boat.
The 'commitment phase' of relationship building (psychobabble for falling in love) is abbreviated. When you find said Fucked Up Dream Boat you fall in love with them almost immediately.
The feelings conjured up by rejection are highly disproportionate to the situation. And God! Don't I know that one. After being in love with FUDB for a week, who then suddenly decides you're not for him, you spend months getting over them.
All nice and technical. Apparently the only way to deal with this disorder is slow down the commitment phase so you have time to check to see if your intended is the real deal and not a FUDB. You get the green light and then race on home.
This all well and good in the world of books off the shelf, but in my experience with FUDBs they appear to be the real deal UNTIL you commit! Soon as they realise you're into them - they're off faster than a dog with a cracker up it's arse. It took five months for Frenchie to bolt and that's a record for me. Admittedly it was all talk and no action up to the point where I asked him out, but still, I call that slowing things down!
So it comes to my homework for this week.
You know, I'm not going to even try for a passing grade on this one. I'm starting to rethink the whole relationships thing. I am getting a lot from these sessions. A lot of my attitudes to significant things in my life are changing for the better. I've stopped hating all gay men for a start. I was blaming being gay and gay men in general for my lack of success in relationships. I guess now I can blame my brain - I'm certainly over blaming my parents.
I don't like treating love like an accountancy exercise. It's just not romantic!
When I said this to my therapist, she replied that I have to be realistic about the nature of today's society. You have to go where the people are. Which is internet chatrooms and dating agencies. Apparently everyone is too busy to meet the old fashioned way. Sounds like fast love to me. Ironic, considering I'm supposed be slowing it down.
Anyway, I've decided that my answer for homework is going to be:
Just at the moment, I'm still raw. From the grief of my Mum's death and from the unexpected encounter with a major FUDB codenamed Frenchie. I'm not ready to go out there and maximise my chances. Good things are happening with my career and just for now I'd really like to concentrate on that area of my life. Perhaps in time, I'll feel ready again and then maybe I'll try to set myself some goal. The last thing I need right now is to meet someone I like and have it go balls up and spend the rest of this new year getting over it.
I might not be able to trust my brain, but I'm finding, slowing but surely, I'm beginning to hope again and trust in life.
This is a direct quote from my therapist, and it's my homework for our next session.
Ostensibly, I'm in therapy for grief counselling, but we seemed to have skipped over that fairly quickly and are now dealing with 'residue'. Read Relationship issues.
I like my therapist because she's a no nonsense sort of gal. She dresses simply and impeccable and even wears sensible shoes (I checked - can't help it I'm a clothes freak.) Direct statements like "You think wrong!" pepper her calmly delivered observations and advice. She explains things clearly, precisely and without the use of little diagrams. She's compassionate without being gushy. I can't stand therapists who want to sympathise -"Oh that must of been hard for you!" That might sound strange, but I'm not there to have my hand held, that's what friends are for (as well as the occassional kick in the arse) - I'm there to work , so my friends don't have to hold my hand nearly as much as I have needed recently.
She's a neuropsych/ cognitive behaviourialist type of gal. Which means a lot of techinical explanations about how your brain works and responds in certain situations. That sort of works with me, as it gives me a level of detachment to look at what's been happening in my life and how I've reacted to it. I've realise for someone who's preceived pretty much as being the sensitive, in touch with his feminine side sort of guy, this is a very masculine, task oriented way of approaching therapy. It seems that the boy who was always being ragged at school for being girly is really a bloke after all!
This approach sort of works. Up to a point.
It's been explained to me that because of the neglect I experienced in the first two years of life (Dad literally Town Drunk, Mum depressed and suicidal) my brain is now 'formatted' to respond emotionally to close relationships in a totally over the top, full on, flat out grap for love, kind of way. It appears I'm hardwired to be desperate. The analogy was if you starve someone of food, they crave it and will grab for it when it's offered.
I was quite calm as this explaination unfolded, taking in the details of post natal brain formation, limbic systems and bonding hormones with polite attention. Inside, my world was plummeting, whooshing down into that little dark space I've mapped so well in recent years. You see the explanation continued, this is not something I can change, it's just the way my brain works. So we need to understand how to deal with this.
It's called an attachment disorder and effects you in three major ways.
Our relationship templates are modeled on our parents. People are subconsciously attracted to other people who most likely resemble their parents. Mostly, but not always. Great. I'm mostly likely to find fucked up people (read Frenchie) to be my dream boat.
The 'commitment phase' of relationship building (psychobabble for falling in love) is abbreviated. When you find said Fucked Up Dream Boat you fall in love with them almost immediately.
The feelings conjured up by rejection are highly disproportionate to the situation. And God! Don't I know that one. After being in love with FUDB for a week, who then suddenly decides you're not for him, you spend months getting over them.
All nice and technical. Apparently the only way to deal with this disorder is slow down the commitment phase so you have time to check to see if your intended is the real deal and not a FUDB. You get the green light and then race on home.
This all well and good in the world of books off the shelf, but in my experience with FUDBs they appear to be the real deal UNTIL you commit! Soon as they realise you're into them - they're off faster than a dog with a cracker up it's arse. It took five months for Frenchie to bolt and that's a record for me. Admittedly it was all talk and no action up to the point where I asked him out, but still, I call that slowing things down!
So it comes to my homework for this week.
You know, I'm not going to even try for a passing grade on this one. I'm starting to rethink the whole relationships thing. I am getting a lot from these sessions. A lot of my attitudes to significant things in my life are changing for the better. I've stopped hating all gay men for a start. I was blaming being gay and gay men in general for my lack of success in relationships. I guess now I can blame my brain - I'm certainly over blaming my parents.
I don't like treating love like an accountancy exercise. It's just not romantic!
When I said this to my therapist, she replied that I have to be realistic about the nature of today's society. You have to go where the people are. Which is internet chatrooms and dating agencies. Apparently everyone is too busy to meet the old fashioned way. Sounds like fast love to me. Ironic, considering I'm supposed be slowing it down.
Anyway, I've decided that my answer for homework is going to be:
Just at the moment, I'm still raw. From the grief of my Mum's death and from the unexpected encounter with a major FUDB codenamed Frenchie. I'm not ready to go out there and maximise my chances. Good things are happening with my career and just for now I'd really like to concentrate on that area of my life. Perhaps in time, I'll feel ready again and then maybe I'll try to set myself some goal. The last thing I need right now is to meet someone I like and have it go balls up and spend the rest of this new year getting over it.
I might not be able to trust my brain, but I'm finding, slowing but surely, I'm beginning to hope again and trust in life.
posted by Van Dino at 7:33 am
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